I drove through the town of my old high school today and I had mixed feelings driving through it. The pizza place with the tasty onion rings is still there. The corner lot that saw a bazillion businesses fail in the 4 years I was in high school – it is now a small medical center. The old high school itself is now a daycare, a metal welding shop, a tanning place and a few other businesses. But the track’s still there, and the old baseball diamonds where I watched my brothers play countless games and I practiced for marching band. The softball diamonds where I played so many games and got the nice scar on my leg. They finally after nearly 8 years, built that walkway from the new school to the diamonds. Some things the same, some things changed.
But somehow I felt like I was looking into someone else’s memory. The town is only fifteen minutes away, yet I hadn’t visited for longer than driving through in…three years? I couldn’t help but think that my life is so different from what it was then. Sure, life was easier and simpler then. My biggest cares were if I was going to make it to the bus on time and if I was going to pass my anatomy exam.
Now – I have thousands of dollars of debt (well worth it though); I pay for my own gas; I have to coordinate what social schedule I have with my work schedule, along with everyone else’s; I have to choose my words more carefully because they seem to carry more weight and often have greater consequences. I struggle to know how best to serve and support my family – what to do or say or not.
And the biggest yet – I find it harder and harder to remain spiritually disciplined in a time when it is so crucial to me (and somehow, to those around me as well). How do I keep myself disciplined enough to keep diving into my spiritual life and staying connected to God when I’m the only person my age in my church, it’s a struggle to even get to church with my work schedule, and, compared to college life (where I was constantly being spiritually fed and was surrounded with godly peers, investing in me and challenging me) I feel alone and malnourished. I keep finding ways to occupy my time: TV, movies, music, reading, sleeping. Those things are entertaining, but also numbing. I keep falling farther and farther “out of practice” with my spiritual life.
I don’t mean for this to be a debbie-downer post. Is my life going the way I had planned? Not really. But is my life still very good and blessed? Yes! I’m happy with my life and the years I’m in now. I talk to so many friends who don’t like the job they’re in or they miss their family and God has blessed me enough to have both a wonderful job and be near family. I just feel like I’m not making the most of this time. There so much potential I’m missing, but how to get it? How to live the life of purpose I know God’s called me to? What do I do in the here and now?